This is selfish. It's for me and my pain. I hope it helps to know another mother's journey to this new normal. The new normal is a phrase I hear a lot in the world of mom's who have experienced loss. It's a patient, effortful practice to retrain your heart to beat. My mantra to this new life is "Piper died but I am alive". Sometimes I whisper it to myself or scream it, depends on the moment. You can choose to exist or choose to live.
In the first weeks after my Pipes died I obsessively googled. Statistics, personal accounts, anything to fill the loneliness of not taking home a baby from the hospital. I needed to know I wasn't alone and this pain would not in fact kill me. I needed to know it was survivable. So if you are here; I'm sorry. You must hurt or know someone who is hurting.
Piper was planned for and conceived out of love. She was wished for and wanted. Following a happy, healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy my Piper Kai was born still on July 13th, 2016 at 912 a.m. Early the morning of July 11th our baby girl's heart stopped beating and so did mine. She was perfect. 6 lbs, 4 ounces and 20 inches long. She had blonde hair and her Daddy's nose. I held this perfect creature and memorized every inch of her. Breathed her in and kissed her face. Nana, Grandpa, Lolly, Pop, Uncle Ethan and Aunt Carly got to marvel and snuggle my Piper. Saying hello and goodbye all in a single day is the most painful, tragic thing a person should have to endure. She suffered a true knot of the umbilical cord. Which I'm told is very rare occurrence. It's more likely to be struck by lightning, twice.
As I write this I am acutely aware of how tragic it is and was for my husband to watch me give birth to our daughter. Yes, give birth. There's a misconception that after your child passes, it's over. It's only the beginning. I was induced and delivered Piper. The process took roughly three days. One day I may feel strong enough to detail those days. As I wander around gathering pieces of my broken heart I've discovered that this was good. It was my last act of motherly love, bringing Piper in to this world as I had intended. She was weighed and measured. Hand and foot prints taken.
I miss her and all of the hopes we had for her. I promise to live each day celebrating your life.
Rest easy Piper Kai.