I'll go ahead and start this post with the obligatory we want a healthy baby, any baby, boy or girl. Yes, this should go without saying but I need to say it. I was surprised by the guilt I felt in wanting to know and even having a preference. As a mom whose first child died at term you almost feel like you can't have the luxury of feeling excited about your baby's sex. We whisper about gender disappointment on our private pregnancy after loss pages because it's a real thing. We had imagined our lives one way. We have a nursery lovingly constructed, full of images of a child. I keep the door of my beautiful gray and pink nursery closed. It's a portal to Piper and it's a painful shrine.
The first time the sex was an issue for me was during a routine 16 week scan and the tech asked me if I wanted to know Squeaks sex. Um, no. Um, yes? Beau? Yes. We had already decided to find out, as Beau puts it, we have had enough surprises in life. I was completely content waiting until there was a baby in my arms to know about its bits.
I could feel the panic mounting with that familiar yet unpleasant tingling in my hands. My pusle went up and I got the mouth sweats.
Will another girl break my heart? Can I be a boy mom, I paint everything pink? Could I let another little girl sleep in Pipe's room? Can I handle pockets full of worms? Can I change the nursery, can I leave it the same?
Can I take knowing and planning to love another baby?
At the 16 week scan my child sat breeched, cross legged, sex unknown.
Fast forward two weeks and I had a teeny scare. I can say that now but in the moment I was not cool, calm or collected. Again people, my husband deserves some love for the amount of sheer crazy I throw at him, my eternal optimist. I had a small amount of spotting. I've learned loads of things can cause some light spotting but when you see blood at any point in your pregnancy, I don't care who you are, you will freak. A call to the after hours doctor did absolutely nothing to ease my worries. I slept not at all, up all night watching reruns of Friends and eating cheese sticks.
The next morning we were sent for a just in case scan. I was terrified they were about to tell me scary things but there was my Squeak. Squirming around with a solid heartbeat. Me and the kid were all good. You want to know the sex? Our sweet tech said, I can tell you with 99% accuracy. I could have cared less. I later told my friend how numb I was to the news. I tried to summon some sort of feeling but there was none. I thought what the heck is wrong with me but the best answer is nothing. I only cared that Squeak was well.
Squeaks sex was confirmed at 20 weeks following a most terrifying ultrasound at the high risk clinic. Most of you already know Squeak's sex because I keep telling everyone (awful secret keeper) and have sloppy pronoun use here and there...but.
SHE will certainly move mountains. Piper is to be a big to a little, sister. For you are fearfully and wonderfully made, all is well with my soul.
Reasy easy Piper Kai.
All photos: Kimmy Fremont
She's in the Hampton Roads area and an absolute doll, check her out!
Piper Kai Bennett
I will scream, sing and share her story may it be short. Our only child was born still at 36 weeks secondary to an umbilical cord accident. This is our journey about choosing life rather than existence.