Motherhood is not going as exepected. I expected to be snuggling my 4 month old. To be dressing her in cute Christmas duds then parading her around. I expected to be a tired, happy, new mom. Instead I find myself grief stricken and having an emotional breakdown because there were no wrapped presents under the tree addressed to her. The things that set me off are really unfair and often bizarre.
I believe, Motherhood starts from the moment of conception, whether your ready or not. It takes command of your body. Giving directions how often to sleep or eat. You love and prepare and take a million trips to the bathroom. Parenting started with providing her a safe and happy home. Piper died in the only home she knew. Nestled under my beating heart knowing only love. It starts with conception but does not end in death.
I love her and I'm her Mom. So what motherhood looks like is loving a child I cannot hold. It's channeling all the love I have for my baby in to everything else. It's keeping her memory alive by writing her story, the greateat love story of my life.
Its choosing life life rather than existence.
Hang in in there my tribe, I promise there is joy and love in my heart. I will never be able to thank you all enough for holding my little family of 3 in your hearts. I'm edging towards this holiday with a survival mentality. And a lot of chocolate.
Rest easy my Piper.