I never formally announced the upcoming arrival of our girl, Piper Kai. I was haughty. I thought the cutesy, done up announcements were cheesy. And I was too good for all that jazz. I told close family and friends but tried to hide it from most of the world until 21 weeks. Which leads me to a fresh round of guilt. The only thing I ever announced was her death. That guilt stabs at me and hasn't dulled. I thought it best to wait the traditional 12 weeks then got scared and moved it back and back.
The death of your child does something to you. It redefines time. There was my life before Piper and after. This deep, clear meridian in my life. My counselor said something I can't shake. She asked me if loving and planning for Piper killed her. I was instantly horrified because people tend to handle me gently then I was angry someone spoke to me so boldly. Lastly I was ashamed because she was right. Loving and celebrating her didn't cause her umbilical cord accident. We loved her even when she was just an idea and we love Squeak.
And I'm scared. The thought I whisper in horror to Beau. What if we have to tell people something bad happened to this baby? It's the heavy fear of surviving something bad, again. We have crawled out of an impossibly deep hole and I am so afraid of it's darkness. It's been hard to stay grounded these past four months. Our tribe is strong and they catch me before I even know I'm falling. We have an excellent care team that lets me see the Squeak frequently and doesn't treat me like the insane person that I am when I just pop in. I am more scared than any mother deserves to be but here it is, the next great adventure and being scared doesn't mean it's not going to happen. I am trying to not let the fear outweigh my love, excitement or JOY.
We invite you to love both our babies. To direct all your good vibes right at our growing family. We appreciate the support, space and respect as we navigate this new chapter.
Welcome me to our tribe, little Squeak. Your sister taught us how to love fiercely so we do.
Rest easy our first love.