Its alright to still hurt.
to miss her and dream of her possibilities,
I have pages and pages of things to share. A million thoughts. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. One in FOUR women experience pregnancy loss and infertility. That’s a staggering number of our population yet I felt alone after Piper died. My purpose of all these run on sentences is to let women know you are in fact not alone. I’m here and I hear you.
I’ve been balancing a big old tray of life and it always catches up to me. I felt like a little update on my grief journey may be warranted after radio silence. I keep wanting to sing the Adele song “Hello from the other siiiiide” but really there is no other side. It’s all crappy. Maybe “Hello from just right over here”.
I don’t carry that all the time sad, depressed feeling anymore. This is monumental. I feel mostly joy and am deliriously in love with B. Although a photo of my daughter and niece playing dress up knocked me off my feet for a full three days. I couldn’t get over the fact, the fact, that my Piper girl was missing. Then Beau will whisper those words that make me shudder but occasionally sneak into my own thoughts “but then would Birdie be here”. I can’t get all philosophical or I’ll vomit. I believe Piper sent her to us and that’s good enough for me.
What remains my major struggle is anxiety which I’m discovering is mainly misplaced grief or symptomatic of surviving a trauma. I feel that if I’m not hyper vigilant about alllll things Birdie I may “miss” something. I knew something was amiss with B which prompted me to show up and L&D and have a baby out the sun roof in a very emergent fashion. What if I hadn’t gone in? What if I somehow missed signs with Pipes. What if I drop the ball and miss something again? I swear if I think about it too hard it makes my hair fall out (faster, coz post pumping hair breakage....)
Im diligently working at quieting this noise, this horrible beast and being present and enjoying my sassy 13 month old. It’s not always easy.
I to shy away from talking about anxiety because somewhere my mind thinks it’s weak. Get it together Bennett. Suck it up. Everyone look at me being a competent wife, mom, employee. It’s not weak, it’s a very present and real struggle. A battle. A chemical imbalance. Anxiety is more than a feeling of general unease, it can beat you down.
If you know me or well pretty much anyone whose anxious it’s hard to tell. It’s not like I’m walking around with an A embroidered on my shirt although I wish I could. Then you’d know when I’m humming with anxiety, and it would be best to offer me a cookie and a listening ear.
I am attempting to make more time to grieve purposefully and engage in self care. You giggling about that buzz phrase self care. It neeeedds to happen more so that I am not obsessing about my child. I mean I am still obsessing but not googling myself ill. Talk therapy and a supportive tribe is always a help. I will sometimes literally and figuratively run from it in the form of exercise.
Its that time again where I need to hate eat a salad, say a prayer and fight like hell because I will not survive Pipers death I will be the best me I can. You only get one trip around the sun folks.
Rest easy Piper Kai.