I am a feelings person. I have a lot of them, I over share and bore Beau to no end telling him every second how I feel about something or other. This is why this stage has been hard for me. I find myself crying often, my grief bubbling over and mixing with love. I have a difficult time explaining exactly what this particular tidal wave is comprised of but there goes nothing.
Life got real, real busy with our tiny miracle. Busy to include the run of the mill things like diaper changing and late night feedings but mainly just falling more and more in love. We spend hours smacking each other or calling "babe, babe" to witness her gummy smiles. She finally helped me to accomplish the task I'd been striving for, get busy living life, and in such a less forceful way. Like an honest breath of fresh air.
My new role to our daughter earth side, left me with less intentional time to grieve. Your rainbow baby fills your arms and bandaids your heart but that wound still exists. Those wounds still need attention and in order to do so I've had to compartmentalize the pain as to fully embrace what motherhood looks like now. As a feelings lady that's been a brand new challenge. I remind myself that I carry her in every move we make because she shaped my new existence. I truly believe that she saved her sister, and in turn gifted me Birdie. Again, Piper lives in everyone who loved her because her brief existence touched them too.
It's hard to admit how gutted I feel about Halloween. I know it's Halloween. I have an old blog entry, that I never shared, highlighting how I wandered around Target a lot during my leave after Pipers death. One particular day, last October, I had escaped to the Target one town over so I wouldn't see anyone I knew and found myself openly sobbing at the tiny pumpkin costumes. Subsequently scaring the heck out of some male shopper in the next aisle. I was sad and majorly pissed off that I wouldn't stuff my daughter in one of those costumes and scam candy out of the neighbors. I whispered to myself "Piper died but I'm alive" and took my niece trick or treating, who happened to be the cutest darn pumpkin in town. I regularly faked it until I made it.
Here I am, I made it but am still confused how it could hurt this bad. I'll be over here whispering the same mantra "Piper died but we are alive" and plan to stuff Birdie Bennett in her pumpkin costume.
All the feelings.
Rest easy Piper Kai.