I decided to start my new year a little early. I wrote a rage blog about how 2016 could in fact, piss off, but decided against it as starting off a new year sending such negativity in to the universe was not wise or warranted. With much certainty, no one would argue with us that 2016, did not go as planned. But I cannot ignore that I got to spend the first seven months of this past year loving my daughter. In 2016, we got to be a family of three. It made us parents and introduced me to motherhood.
But there will be hard years and there will be joyful years. If everything was cotton candy and roses there would be no comparison or model for balance. Without this trauma, I would not be the same person that I am today. Right now, in this very moment, I know that I am a different woman. In the aftermath, I was fearful that I would never be the same but I can see that it is for the better. My heart knows a new love and strength because it knows pain.
I know people will read it and perhaps balk or eye roll at the sentiment that pain causes some kind of awakening. That pain somehow precedes wisdom. Well, I assume this because speculating on other's opinions is not why I'm here or is it very nice. I do not think you need pain to know love but pain is what life rolled at us, so it has been our choice to embrace it and use it to our advantage.
I miss you Piper Kai but wallowing in this pain and anger will not get me anywhere. I will not perpetuate more negativity in this world because of you my darling star. I will look to your Daddy and his love for life and carry on with you in my heart because that is what is right and what is needed. My child continues to be my greatest teacher and the lessons learned are great.
In discussion with some smart lady friends, I decided not to set resolutions or goals becuase that indicates something is wrong with me or suggests there is an end point. I decided to set intentions, to be kind to myself. I intend to spend 2017 carefully grieving my child. To continue to weave her in to my functional, happy life. I need to be purposeful in my grief to allow for a balance. Too much results in a standstill, too little results in a disconnect. I plan to be in the moment.
If this is a little too positive, I feel you. I still think 2016 can piss off but I intend to not grump about it as much. I'll keep the rage blog just in case. Happy New Year, I hope that 2017 rewards you and yours with peace. Enjoy this journey becuase you only get one earth side.
Rest easy, Pipes.
Piper Kai Bennett
I will scream, sing and share her story may it be short. Our only child was born still at 36 weeks secondary to an umbilical cord accident. This is our journey about choosing life rather than existence.