In the days and weeks following Piper's death I marched in a slow, painful way through the most basics; eating, showering and breathing. I'm still on this pilgrimage but am gaining strength. My husband, Beau, holds me up while he grieves in his own, quiet, strong way. Our families have surrounded us with loving support while I scream the 'whys' to the universe. My sister friends have loved from near and far. Food, flowers and condolences continue to arrive. I was numb. And then there was the pain.
I'll never be able to thank my village for pointing me in the right direction. This post won't even touch the gratitude I hold for my tribe. There is no right way to grieve but for me not being alone is key. In the beginning, I had several round the clock 'babysitters' who offered numerous distractions and didn't wince when I cried. The silence leaves too much room for sadness. Therapy comes in many forms. Eating all the cookie dough, running, sitting at the beach and snuggling my baby niece. I take every group exercise there is to offer at the YMCA. I hide the mom bod in the back of the room and Zumba through my tears. I journal or watch an entire season on Netflix. Although, I do have a wonderful grief counselor. She is my outside resource, my unbiased confidant. I've tried some group meetings but they aren't really for me. The therapist in me cannot, not participate in providing unsolicited advice. People, although well meaning, say "I can't believe your here {gym, hurling matches, grocery store, bank}". To you I reply, "I can't either". But the alternative is sitting at home in my pajamas, crying until Beau gets off work. Not that this doesn't happen. I still ugly cry {the kind where your face squishes up} almost every time I see someone for the first time after Pipe's death. My grief does not make me uncomfortable. I think you must lean in to it for awhile. It's taken me these few months to realize it is seeing the pain in other's that is difficult. Grandparents without a grandchild; Uncles and Aunts without their niece; Our friends without another nugget running around. The list goes on and it's not a short one. But their pain means she mattered to them. She was hoped for and imagined and she is loved. Her short existence was acknowledged by so many. Our tribe grows daily. So here I am putting one foot in front of the other. But I am not alone. Rest easy Piper Kai.
7 Comments
Nichole
9/15/2016 06:48:05 pm
Love being part of your tribe. You're the strongest member. Love you, Piper, and Beau dearly!
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Carly
9/15/2016 11:37:18 pm
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Your 2012-2013 Field Hockey girls
9/15/2016 11:54:52 pm
Coach Nat, we cannot imagine what you are going through. We miss you so much & we are so happy that you have Beau & our favorite Karma Jane by your side during this rough time. As we go through college, jobs, and life we will never forget you & the kind of life lessons you have taugh us. Always act like a lady, running is always good for you, and stay true and strong to who you are. Although you have lost little Piper Kai, we are happy to see how strong you are. You are honestly an inspiration and one of the greatest role models we had growing up. We are so glad we had you as our coach, our friend, and our mentor. We wish you Beau and our little Karma Jane the best. You always have us. 18 (give or take some) girls who are always on you & Pipers side. We love you Coach Nat.
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Natalie
9/16/2016 09:01:56 am
Thanks for making my heart all mushy this morning. Ya'll are proof just how far our tribe reaches. You guys are forever my warriors. Hugs and kisses. Love, Coach
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Jaime
9/19/2016 11:18:17 am
Love you dear friend and thankful to have you in my tribe! Brian started a new sermon series yesterday call 'Tribe'...should check it out.
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Megan
9/21/2016 01:00:35 pm
You're a rock. Resilient and beautiful. Lucky to know you.
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Diana
9/28/2016 10:37:46 am
Love you. We are the lucky ones to have you in our lives.
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