My tribe

In the days and weeks following Piper's death I marched in a slow, painful way through the most basics; eating, showering and breathing.  I'm still on this pilgrimage but am gaining strength. My husband, Beau, holds me up while he grieves in his own, quiet, strong way. Our families have surrounded us with loving support while I scream the 'whys' to the universe. My sister friends have loved from near and far. Food, flowers and condolences continue to arrive. I was numb. And then there was the pain.

​I'll never be able to thank my village for pointing me in the right direction. This post won't even touch the gratitude I hold for my tribe. There is no right way to grieve but for me not being alone is key. In the beginning, I had several round the clock 'babysitters' who offered numerous distractions and didn't wince when I cried. The silence leaves too much room for sadness. 

Therapy comes in many forms. Eating all the cookie dough, running, sitting at the beach and snuggling my baby niece. I take every group exercise there is to offer at the YMCA. I  hide the mom bod in the back of the room and Zumba through my tears. I journal or watch an entire season on Netflix. Although, I do have a wonderful grief counselor. She is my outside resource, my unbiased confidant. I've tried some group meetings but they aren't really for me. The therapist in me cannot, not participate in providing unsolicited advice.

People, although well meaning, say "I can't believe your here {gym, hurling matches, grocery store, bank}". To you I reply, "I can't either". But the alternative is sitting at home in my pajamas, crying until Beau gets off work. Not that this doesn't happen. I still ugly cry {the kind where your face squishes up} almost every time I see someone for the first time after Pipe's death. My grief does not make me uncomfortable. I think you must lean in to it for awhile.  It's taken me these few months to realize it is seeing the pain in other's that is difficult. Grandparents without a grandchild; Uncles and Aunts without their niece; Our friends without another nugget running around. The list goes on and it's not a short one. But their pain means she mattered to them. She was hoped for and imagined and she is loved. Her short existence was acknowledged by so many.  Our tribe grows daily.

So here I am putting one foot in front of the other. But I am not alone.

​Rest easy Piper Kai.