I've started this entry so many times. It's difficult to organize my thoughts. My journal entries are messy. The are full of incohesive lists, thoughts, bargains with the universe and in the most recent ones loads of swearing. The indentifiable downfall following Pipers day, coupled with third trimester anxiety made a perfect storm for a deep state of sadness. I've been akin to an obese sloth, moving as little and slowly as possible.
I went in to my biweekly appointment a few weeks ago, on an upswing and eager to sneak a peek at my tiniest nugget. Fluid levels all fine so off to our NST. We got high marks on our heat rate test and as I'm feeling smug, the doctor came in with my ultrasound in hand. Moms out there, you get that feeling things are about to go down? Doc says, they found something ""concerning" and wanted me to follow up with our specialty team that Monday. We were already heading in to see our MFM specialist Monday to check growth. He says "don't worry". Yeaaah. I hate to be vague especially when we are so open about our PAL journey but I can't even go in to the details without shaking. I googled myself right on in to a panic attack. Not a figure of speech, an actual panic attack, with respiratory distress and all, where I could not drive my car out of the office parking lot. Mama Bear Bowen has since nixed anymore appointments without an escort.
I spent three days crying on my couch. Driving Beau within an inch of what little sanity he has left. My anxiety finally got the best of me Saturday evening. I felt that Squeak hadn't been moving enough so I had my Beau drive me to L&D. He drove fast.
Neither of us had been on that floor in the hospital since we had left without our big girl over a year ago but my concern for Squeak was in the forefront. A potentially crippling move became a mission. One of Pipe's nurses was working, immediately recognized us and ushered us back to a room. Once the monitor was on the little bugger kicked up a storm and her tiny heart beat registered strong. All was well. The nursing staff was so very kind, reassuring us coming in is always the right thing to do. Expectant moms, trust your gut, go in immediately. You will not be that patient or an inconvenience to anyone. You are your only advocate for your baby. Babies move differently but movements do not slow down.
The level 2 ultrasound on Monday, could not even locate this "concern". It was a complete non issue. What I should type here is my sense of relief but the emotion that I defaulted to, was sheer anger. I want to blame someone for the recent onset of anxiety, but all everyone is doing is looking extra close at our baby for safe keeping. So I'll settle on down as relieved and happy she continues to thrive. If you've been following our story, Squeak has kept us on our toes via several ultrasounds. The remainder of the hour long ultrasound revealed a healthy baby. All blood flow dopplers, within normal. If you have never had a blood flow doppler you should investigate this modern miracle in which they check the blood flow between me and Squeaks various organs. This is particularly comforting to me as Pipes cord was the issue.
Big doc in charge comes in to chat. Squeak looks good but continues to measure on the lowest end of their growth chart. Now mind you, our second kid has been small this entire pregnancy, but took a little dip this past month. The doctors prescribed modified bed rest. The theory is more immobile I can stay, the more blood flow and good nutrients get to our girl. The less hard my body has to work for every day things like work and exercise the more energy can be spent growing her. I'm allowed up for short periods of time. I need to be sitting and ideally laying a majority of the day.
I can hear you through my computer. Wow, I wish someone told me to lay about, eat all the things (ok high protein, ick), relax and get more then your fill of reality TV. Sounds nice in theory but a solid recipe for cabin fever. I am hoping it will help alleviate some of the stress this trimester has introduced.
It was certainly a turn of events. Squeak and I will be here on the couch completely our mission: grow a fat baby for two more weeks then we will make some more decisions about her arrival. I have emotional whiplash but intend to be the best couch potato, ever.
Rest easy PKB.