The Piper pudge is the extra inches of love I can pinch on my stomach. OK, pinch all around. I have affectionately named it, so I can be nice to myself. I spent 9 months eating ALL the carbs racking up nearly 50 lbs. Big shout out to my Mom's banana pudding.
Aside from the first trimester nausea, I generally enjoyed being pregnant. My husband thought I was a fox. I adored that big belly and all of her wiggles. And let me be clear right now, I was not all belly. My pinky toe gained weight.
I suspect most women are mean to their bodies and participate in negative 'self-talk'. Me included. I'd wail about how my jeans were too tight or this shirt gives me back fat. I'm guilty of cornering Beau and demanding, "Does this make me look fat?", on more than one occasion. I've counted calories and adhered to regular exercise.
I've chatted with other moms who have lost children about the body after baby, without the baby. The weight gain, hips widening, breasts swelling then deflating, the stretch marks. It's a constant reminder of how you spent the last months and the child who is not here. There's this feeling of betrayal. That your body did not carry out the job you had entrusted it with. It can spiral into a special kind of negative chatter.
After Piper, I saw myself in a different light. It was delightfully surprising. I'd think, I'm a warrior. I grew a human being. This body survived growing, birthing and losing a daughter. I'd want Piper to love herself for no matter how she looked or what she weighed so I'd better start right now with myself. I can make this choice for her.
All the ladies, please be gentle with yourselves. I can tell you there are worse things than your jeans not zipping. I run to eat so I am no stranger to the game. I know with diet, exercise and time my Piper pudge will begin to fade. And I'll miss it. But I hope my warrior mentality sticks around.
Rest easy Piper Kai.