There are times when all the things align and I can feel the physical symptoms of grief. They like to pop up and take the ugly shape of Andy Anxiety. My counselor suggested I name him so he's easier to address. It makes me giggle but gives me a very helpful tool in that I can give him his own identify. He is not me and I am not him. Ya dig? Now Andy doesn't visit as often or stay as long, but once old Andy is here, I feel like I'll always be anxious then skirt around a good old fashioned panic attack making a lovely circle until I have an Ah-HA moment.
I could never list all the things that make me anxious (Beau can) and I can promise you more people then you'd think suffer from atypical amounts of anxiety or post-partum anxiety. Unfortunately, our society full of tiny, perfect squares on your social media veils real life. I am beyond lucky that my Andy doesn't beat me down til the point I can't leave the house. I'm a happy, successful and loved lady. But what about those of us who don't talk about our Andys?
My Ah-HA moment this time was two-fold. I had neglected to properly acknowledge a Piper's Day. January 11, 2017 had marked 6 months since her death and the very next day we learned there was a Birdie, formerly known as Squeak, growing in my belly. When you shove grief down it gets rude and aggressive. January 11th marked 18 months without my first blonde and January 12th marked a whole year of Birdie Kai.
Second fold, I had shyed away from self-care, self-love and blamed it on motherhood.
We have five month old who not only requires a lot of care but also is extremely cute, so we opt to play with her all of the other time. I stopped eating vegetables (we all know my donut habit was compounded by Christmas treats), exercising, I got flu sick then Beau did, it snowed its butt off, it's cold, I stopped chatting with God and hadn't stepped in to a church since...Didn't sleep enough, ate too much cheese, and had far too little face time with the strong woman in my life. I can keep going but the whining is stinging my eyes.
All those things in isolation would be manageable but together, a perfect storm. Andy. I had been neglecting my mind, body and most importantly my soul.
I had better take care of myself so I can be the best Mommy to both my girls. And also a tolerable wife, daughter and friend! Yup, I hate/ate a few salads, took a dance class, planned a trip, went to worship loved the heck out of my family, and I wrote this blog to say, hey Piper girl, we miss you. I don't count the days anymore but you shine in my heart every moment.
And now, I'm 100% better, ok that's a social media lie, I'm like 87%. Til next time Andy.
Rest easy, Piper Kai.